runswithgoats asked: I am so disgusted with that guy. Reading what he was saying made me nauseous and brought back bad memories. I absolutely hate oral in the first place and imagining waking up to a boyfriend doing that makes me want to puke. I experienced a similar occurance as you with anal, it occurred for around a year and a half... i just feel so violated right now and I'm so angry with that person.
Me too. I think he’s triggering lots of people by it as well. I can’t see how any decent human being would think that was okay and any decent human being not consider the emotional consequences for the other person involved. Instead of refusing to accept that it’s rape even when faced with multiple women saying it’s rape and the literal definition of rape, he and anyone who agrees should ask themselves at their very core, even ignoring all the rape discussions, if they are the type of person who simply doesn’t care about what effect their actions could have. Sure, other women may react differently to the scenario, but the mere fact that there’s a chance they could be hurt is enough to warrant a discussion of limits.
Hey runswithgoats. If you hate oral sex in the first place, and you told this to your s/o before you had sex the night before, and you fell asleep in the same bed with your s/o, I am sure they would not try and wake you up with oral in the morning, nor do I think its ok for them to do so, seeing as how you explicitly told them and they know from the sex you had the night before, that you dislike oral.
If I am triggering people, for that I am sorry. I am sorry for your discomfort caused by the words that I wrote, the ideas that I put forth, that you decided to read. But I am not going to censor my thoughts and ideas on something just because what I say brings up flashbacks, makes a person uncomfortable, makes them shake or makes them cry. If a person can’t handle having a conversation about a subject without it causing such extreme reactions in them, then maybe they shouldn’t have the conversation at all. Just avoid it all together. If they see the word rape once and they know how that subject affects them, then they should just say fuck it, I’m not tryna cry and shake and bring back memories of my own rape or sexual assault, and just avoid it all together. Its not my job to police my thoughts and ideas so that someone else is more comfortable when going thru tumblr.
I care about what effect my actions have. In real life. With the women that I interact with everyday in my actual life. Just because I have multiple women on tumblr telling me that something is rape doesn’t make it automatically true. Who are you? Once again, you fail to realize that I was talking about that specific situation with that specific guy and his gf. I was not talking about your boyfriend butt-fucking you while you were asleep and not stopping after you said no. I’m not talking about runswithgoats s/o, waking her up with oral sex even tho they know she doesn’t like it.
And I never said I wouldn’t ever have a discussion of limits with my gf. I feel like getting into a relationship POINT BLANK requires A DISCUSSION OF LIMITS. How are you gonna have great sex otherwise, if you don’t know what your partner likes or doesn’t like?
You can be angry with me for what I said. But you don’t know me. I am not stupid. I am not a rapist. I am not a rape apologist. Fuck all of you for saying that I am.
My discomfort? Honey, I’m not triggered. I can talk about it and read about it and read other people’s stories and not cry or shake or do any of those things you described. If you believe you should definitely have that discussion (not at any specific time), then you should have said so in the beginning right after you were accused of being a rapist and rape apologist. You and I are essentially arguing the same point. You don’t know the level of trust between that guy and his girlfriend. For all you know, they could have been dating a week. They may not have built up that level of trust or had that conversation. Adding “if she agrees and enjoys it” or some version of “get consent first” would have prevented this entire conversation. Alas you didn’t and it appears at first as though you’re saying you don’t need consent hence all the angry women, and here we are both arguing that a conversation is definitely needed before sexual encounters. For the record, I never said you were a rapist or a rape apologist.
I’m glad you were not triggered, but I was referring to the people who you said I triggered, mainly s3xnoises, who was so worked up by what I wrote, she needed to go take a shower.
And for the record you did call me a rapist/rape apologist. Right after s3xnoises said I was, and I tried to laugh it off and I said “Hahaaaha. Rapist/rape apologist? Idk about that.” you said Yes. Rapist/rape apologist. and then proceeded to give me a multi tier definition of what constitutes rape.
You’re right that I don’t know the level of trust between the guy and his gf. But neither do any of you. My idea that surprise morning head might be something she would enjoy, does not make me a rapist or rape apologist. And if people read ALL OF WHAT I ACTUALLY wrote, you would see that I said if she’s not cool with it then stop immediately.
But a relationship is about growing together as people and as a couple. If you’re not taking risks and keeping things fresh in the bedroom, then your relationship might not last long. I’m just saying waking up you gf/bf with surprise morning head night be something he/she likes and is something that is unexpected, hence the word surprise. Its different and he/she might like it. But if he/she doesn’t then stop.
THAT DOES NOT MAKE ME A RAPIST/RAPE APOLOGIST.
Correct. I said Rapist/rape apologist. What I didn’t say was YOU ARE A rapist/rape apologist. Nor did I elaborate on why I said “yes” though it appears as though that would have been a good idea. I could have been agreeing with anything.
Anyone who doesn’t think they need consent is a rape apologist and from your first post, it looks like you are saying no consent is required since you didn’t mention any form of consent. I suppose you simply assumed they had the trust in their relationship to do so without consent. If they do have said consent then I have no issue with the scenario. But to simply assume they do and not address consent at all is what’s upsetting to me. I can’t speak for others though.
You say he’s the one lacking common sense, yet it is clearly s3xnoises who was lacking common sense and lacks the ability to have a civilized conversation that doesn’t lead straight to disrespectful accusations. After he said ‘it might be a good idea, she might like it’ along with whatever else he said, she could have simply stated that that isn’t true and said it depends on the situation in their relationship (how long they have been dating, how their sex life is, how comfortable are they with each other and how much she likes being touched). This could help determine if it’s okay for him to touch her. Yes, it is possible that it is okay for him to touch her without having her express consent on that specific action. Seriously, almost no one asks every single time they try something new with their partner. People build relationships with their s/o and they are the only ones who can determine if it would be okay to try something like this. Then, if their s/o doesn’t like it and says no, you stop immediately. That doesn’t make it rape.
However, s3xnoises went straight to calling the guy a rapist for suggesting that it is possible the girl may like it. My girlfriend and I talk about our likes and dislikes a lot for sex and I know what she would like and most likely would like. I feel comfortable exploring with her and we both know we can push each others boundaries without having to ask everytime we try something new without the other feeling like they are being raped. I’ve touched her while she was sleeping without asking her ever before, and GUESS WHAT?!?! She didn’t mind, she liked it, me ‘raping’ her never came to mind. You know why? Because she is not any of you other girls with other issues. You don’t know if the guy who asked the first question has a girlfriend like you ‘rapist’ ladies or one like mine. And you know what, none of you bothered to ask. One screamed rape and all the rest followed along like a herd of cattle.
Your situation is different than someone elses and rape is situational. So you can’t go screaming that’s rape about someone elses actions on someone else. You can only advise that there can possibly be problems and let them figure out their situation for themselves. Rape is serious and throwing it out there like it’s okay to call someone a rapist who isn’t one is very wrong. Don’t be such cunts and learn to be civilized with advise, not hostile with accusations.
Would you like to know why suggesting that she may like it irritates some women?
Because that’s the justification many actual rapists use. “You know you like it” “You got wet so you liked it” “she just didn’t know she wanted it but I could tell she liked it”
That’s why such a strong reaction was seen to his response of “she may like it”.
Instead of “apologize after” or even along with “she may like it” it’s literally so fucking simple for him to have mentioned depending on the level of trust in the relationship. You’re right, I don’t know what kind of girlfriend he has, but you and he have no idea how long they have dated or the level of trust they built up. To simply say do it cause she might like and and apologize if she doesn’t without addressing the level of trust in the relationship or even acknowledging that consent is needed, is the issue I have with this entire conversation.
Oh and yet again, I never called him a rapist or accused him of raping anyone. In his response to the asker the actions he described and only what he described were indicative of rape since he didn’t address consent or trust level.
Personally, I usually argue with logic and facts because when things become “situational” they get messy and complicated whilst trying to prove a factual point. The point I was attempting to prove was that what he described, out of context, is rape. Yes, I was a bit harsh with my example of my rape and how I said he thought that was okay, but that’s the emotional effect rape has on a person. Unless you have been raped, you don’t have a full understanding of the emotional tolls or how people react in discussions on rape. Normally when I argue, I do not insult, I do not assume, and I do not accuse.
You just need to browse comments on basically any post on the internet about rape or sex to tell that many, many, many people would actually think that it was a-okay to give “surprise” sex before running it by that person or before even knowing if they like it. Our reactions to this post are influenced by the ridiculous amount of rape apologists and rapists who continue to call women prudes, say they are definitely boring in bed, and insult and demean them for simply saying consent is needed. I’m not saying that’s what he did. Obviously he didn’t. But that’s the experience most of us women and especially us rape victims deal with on almost a daily basis. We are constantly told we should have liked it or that we probably liked it. We are constantly told we should have dressed differently. We are constantly told that we shouldn’t have been drinking or that we should have had friends around us and many other similar victim-blaming rape apologist comments. For someone to seem as though they are saying consent isn’t needed (as it seemed originally), obviously that’s going to get a reaction.
So don’t call me a cunt and tell me to be “civilized” with my advice. I’d like for you to attempt to be civilized when you think someone is telling you that when someone performed a sexual act on you without any consent, that was perfectly ok because of the nature of the relationship.
How’s that for context?
Well my issue with this entire conversation is that it blew up into a ‘you’re a rapist/rape apologist’ for absolutely no reason. Rather than saying, ‘it’s rape,’ when you don’t know if it’s actually rape because you don’t know their situation, just say it’s not a good idea if you aren’t sure. Don’t go straight to calling someone a rapist who has not given a good enough reason to call them a rapist. That’s a serious accusation. How would you feel if I called you a rapist because you suggest someone might like something in bed? You didn’t actually do anything, you simply said something. Saying something is not rape. Rape is an action. In no way did the guy say he did something which can cause him to be considered a rapist. Hell, they could have even said, ‘that could be considered rape depending on the circumstances.’ But, did they? No. They went straight to calling the guy a rapist and that’s fucked up. And the fact that you all are backing up someone who would overreact and call someone a rapist who hasn’t given any proof that he actually is one, makes me sick.
Also, being irritated by what someone says is no reason to go and call them a rapist. Under no circumstance is it okay to call someone a rapist that hasn’t actually done the act of raping someone. Also, I know i don’t know the level of trust in the relationship, that’s why I pointed it out and is exactly why you can’t just go and call someone a rapist because none of us know.
Simply stated, s3xnoise overreacted harshly, people took sides, neither of them right. No one focused on the original question and just started pointing fingers. Simple answer to rather the guy should touch himself and his s/o while sleeping: That’s up to him to decide. If he knows for certain she won’t freak out and be mad and that she will almost certainly be happy he did it, then he should be fine doing it. If he is uncertain because he doesn’t know her well enough or have enough trust, then don’t do it. However, since he asked tumblr. I would say no, he shouldn’t do it since he wasn’t sure. But, the other guys response was no warrant for someone else to come in and start calling him a rapist.
EDIT: Since you edited your post after I replied. In fact, with my gf, I wouldn’t mind if she performed any sexual act that we have done previously at any time. Because that is how my relationship is. So in the situation described, I would be perfectly fine with my gf waking me up with a hj/bj because we have done it before. So, just because YOU wouldn’t be comfortable with someone doing it, doesn’t mean EVERYONE wouldn’t. You are too caught up with how it makes you feel and not with how it may make others feel. Your last comment shows me you don’t realize there are people free enough sexually to not mind their partner doing things without asking every time. But there most certainly are people like that. I also admit that there are people like you, obviously, that wouldn’t be okay with it. As there are also others between those groups and more extreme than that as well. But in no way should rape have been brought up in the first place. You want to know who helped trigger even more people? s3xnoise by bringing up rape in the first place rather than giving a response saying that it might not be a good idea. There was no reason to call the other guy a rapist or even bring up rape at all, but she did and that’s what started all this.
Also, you say you argue with facts and logic, but you know what the fact is? Rape is situational. So don’t tell me you don’t have to bring up situational arguments in a conversation about rape. Otherwise, your logic is severely flawed.
Jesus F. Christ. For the fourth time. I didn’t call him a rapist.
You know nothing about how I would react if my significant other woke me with oral. It’s happened. Often. I used to wake boyfriends up with blow jobs all the time. What I enjoy or do not enjoy really has nothing to do with the point I’ve been trying to make this entire fucking time.
I do realize there are people free enough sexually to not mind their partner doing things without asking every time. I am one of them. I believe I mentioned that asking every time is not what I would do with someone I had that level of trust with. I used to run a mildly popular porn blog that had over 17,000 followers. I am very, very familiar with the different sexual appetites of people. Please do not try to inform me of something I already know.
Rape isn’t situational. If a sex act is done without consent, it is rape. Point blank. If you’ve built that level of trust with a significant other, as I’ve mentioned probably 3 times now, then if you know they enjoy and know they like it, asking every time is not necessary and I don’t believe it’s rape. Obviously I’m not getting my point across well or you’re skipping posts or something.
Literally THE ONLY thing I am trying to get across now is that you can’t just assume people have the same level of trust you require in your own relationship and distribute online advice to strangers based on that assumption. For all he knows, an underage high school boy could have asked the question about his girlfriend that he has had for one week.
You contradicted yourself all in one paragraph. Supposedly if a sex act is done without consent it is rape every time, except in certain situations where you know they are okay with it. Thus, not every time… Also, thus it is situational, because it is okay when you have that level of trust and know they will like it. However, if you did it without their trust and knowing they will like it, it is rape. See, two different situations, same action, one rape, one not. Rape is situational.
Also, you didn’t call him a rapist specifically, although you did bring it up. But you also agreed with a person that called him a rapist and another that called him disgusting and you did imply that he was not a decent human being. ‘I can’t see how any decent human being would think that is okay.’ That’s almost as bad as calling him a rapist. A decent human being could think that was okay because in their situation, it is okay to do that. However, in yours it is not. That doesn’t make him any less decent than you. Don’t try to act like you’re any better than the others that called him a rapist when you go right along with them.
Also, the ONLY POINT I’M TRYING TO GET ACROSS is that YOU can’t assume anything about the guy. Therefore, you can’t assume he isn’t a guy in his mid 20’s with a gf that he’s been with for a while, who enjoys fingering or oral and that they trust each other. Therefore, you can’t go straight to saying a guy is not a decent human being, disgusting, rapist, etc. when in his situation, it might be okay. Give your opinion on the original subject, don’t put a guy down for being in a different situation with a different opinion.
The friend that opens the umbrella behind you so you can be a dilophosaurus is the best friend you’ll ever have.
This is literally a post I cannot not reblog.
This is my favourite thing ever. omfg.
my only question is, why do 2 guys have a pink umbrella…?
Anonymous asked: Im really horny but my girl is fast asleep next to me. And she is completely naked. Would it be wrong if I touched myself while I touched her?
If. You. Do. Not. Get. Consent. It. Is. Rape.
You are literally saying that someone can rape you once, and if you don’t like it, it’s not rape. That is called being a rape apologist.
Dating someone does not give you universal consent, consent CANNOT be implied. It must be given each time while the person is SOBER AND AWAKE.
What Is Date Rape?
When people think of rape, they might think of a stranger jumping out of a shadowy place and sexually attacking someone. But it’s not only strangers who rape. In fact, about half of all people who are raped know the person who attacked them. Girls and women are most often raped, but guys also can be raped.
Most friendships, acquaintances, and dates never lead to violence, of course. But, sadly, sometimes it happens. When forced sex occurs between two people who already know each other, it is known as date rape or acquaintance rape.
Even if the two people know each other well, and even if they were intimate or had sex before, no one has the right to force a sexual act on another person against his or her will.
Being in a relationship with someone does not give you the right to touch them without their consent.
That is the definition of rape and sexual assault. Doing it WITHOUT CONSENT.
Please fix your ignorance before you hurt someone.
Ok. Check. I am not a rapist. I am not a rape apologist.
There is no ignorance here. I’m just observing the situation and action and you are observing the only the action.
I just think that if you’re dating someone, and they’re sleeping in your bed already, and y’all are already sexual with each other, that its ok to wake them up with a surprise blow job/cunilingus. That they might *gasp* even maybe like it.
You just think that if said person hasn’t told you explicitly before they went to sleep that it would be ok to wake them up in such a manner, then you best not wake them up in such a manner because they haven’t given consent and that is rape.
I see that our differences lie at what the definition of rape is combined with the fact that you don’t seem to give as much importance, if any, to the context and situation in which said sex act is occurring.
If you go strictly by the definition of the word, the act would constitute a rape because the significant other is asleep aka unconscious.
I think, common sense wise, rape is a violent or coercive sexual act against someone who has not or is not able or has been manipulated into giving consent.
So, if this girl/guy is someone you’re dating, I think its not too audacious to say that there is a level of trust already there. Especially if y’all have been intimate before.
That level of trust I’d say gives you a certain good credit with said partner, that if they woke up to you between their legs , they’d be decidedly less alarmed and maybe happy that you were there, as opposed to seeing the person they saw on the subway the night before in between their legs.
And if they are not happy, then you can explain, “oh I thought I’d wake you up with some oral sex, but if it’s not something you’re down with then I won’t do it again.” Are not relationships about growing and learning with your partner? I don’t see how that specific action is violent or coercive to the person on the receiving end of the act, or how the act is, in and of itself, violent or coercive.
I am very sure no one would call that a rape. And if they did and decided to pursue all legal remedies available to them, I am more sure that, in the court of law, after all things were taken into consideration, a jury wouldn’t find that to be rape.
Really it comes down to the fact that you’re looking at this singular situation through a black and white lens. I am looking at it through a contextual lens.
Because at the end of the day, who doesn’t enjoy oral sex?
(That is a rhetorical question. This being Tumblr, I’m sure there’s someone out there who’s completely turned off by even the idea of oral sex.)
P.S. I will not unfollow your blog. Its a nice blog and I like it. :)
You don’t get to change the definition of rape just because it makes you uncomfortable to be called a rapist. Because you just admit that you are a rapist and a rape apologist.
You are the definition of a date rapist/acquaintance rapist.
Go read a study on rapists, most literally think like you. You should get professional help.
Stop trying to make rape seem like there are some kind of layers of what is rape and what is ‘sorta rape’. Rape is rape. IF YOU DO NOT GET CONSENT YOU ARE RAPING THEM. Get that through your fucking head.
I can like sex with someone, like receiving oral from someone and enjoy it, but IF THEY DO NOT GET MY CONSENT TO WAKE ME WITH ORAL THEY HAVE JUST ASSAULTED ME and they can (and would be) persecuted in a court of law for raping/assaulting me. Juries find entitled sick people like you guilty of date rape every day.
You do not get to touch my body simply because we have had sex before. CONSENT IS NEVER IMPLIED.
And rape isn’t always violent. You are so ignorant it’s unreal. Continue to contact me and I will be reporting you. I can’t even finish this post because I am so triggered. I am shaking, and on the verge of crying.
Well damn. I never said that rape is always violent. If you read what I had wrote you would know that. I just said that if your gf or bf is laying in bed next to you and you’re feeling particularly frisky it might not be a bad idea to wake them up by eating them out or giving them a blowjob.
I agree that rape is rape.
I just don’t agree that surprise, wake up, oral sex from someone you had sex with the night before and that you let sleep over in your bed, is rape. I think its a gift. That admittedly you wouldn’t like to be on the receiving end of. But that, also, many people, including myself, have no problem with.
The world is not black and white. Everything is situational. You might come by the same conclusions each time but every situation should be judged on its own.
Btw, what exactly are you going to report me for? Talking about ideas on the internet? Cuz I’m not out here stalking or harassing you. This is an exchange of ideas. A conversation.
“I think, common sense wise, rape is a violent or coercive sexual act against someone who has not or is not able or has been manipulated into giving consent.”
Direct quote from you, which I misread at first, but now just proves you to be contradicting yourself as you are NOT ABLE to give consent while unconscious.
I rest my case.
Wow.. I’m glad I’m not in a relationship with someone like you. That would be the most annoying and stupid thing to have to ask my gf, who I’ve already had sex with many, many times and who obviously enjoys it, if it’s alright to touch her every time I did so. Not everyone is a prude, like you most certainly are. Just because you are like that and would consider it rape, doesn’t mean someone else would. That is why the guy is with his gf and not someone like you.
If you’re dating someone, you know if they are alright with you touching them, you experiment to find your limitations, because if you don’t, then how would you ever know? I wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t know what that is like, because I’d be surprised if anyone who is sexual has dated you, I sure as hell wouldn’t. You sound like the most boring sexual person there is and that’s why you would think surprising your bf/gf with something sexual is rape. It is not, unless your gf is a prude like you, in which case you would know if she wouldn’t like it because she is your gf. If you can’t trust your bf/gf, you shouldn’t be with them. And sure, maybe if you just started dating them and only had sex a few times, it wouldn’t be okay because you don’t quite know them well enough. However, your attitude is that it is never alright to do such a thing and that is very wrong. Rape is most certainly a subjective term and that is what you are forgetting. What may be considered rape to you, is not considered rape to everyone. I know this because I literally just told my gf about this and she said ‘Wow… that’s funny. I wouldn’t mind waking up to that at all lol.’ So next time you think about throwing out the term rape and calling someone a rapist, think about how your opinion is yours and not everyone has the same opinion because you just look like a bitch and a prude.
To the original question asker, if you know your girl well enough to either know she will like it, or that she wouldn’t be absolutely disgusted by it or overreact like the prude that has been replying, then go for it. If it’s questionable, then hold off until you know her better. At some point you will know the worst she would do is tell you to stop. Then, if she tells you to stop, you stop and say sorry, you thought she would like it and you were exploring your boundaries as a couple and won’t do it again. I promise a very small percent (0.000001%) of girls in a long term sexual relationship with a guy would react like the person replying above. In which case, I’m sure you would have known that she wouldn’t be okay with it before you did it and you shouldn’t do it.
And yes, I realize I was doing exactly what you were doing by calling you a prude as you were doing by calling that guy a rapist. Just to show you, it’s not nice to judge someone without knowing what it’s actually like in their shoes. Your opinion is one of many, not the end all, be all. Remember that.